Archive for October 22nd, 2009

I don’t care who you are, when that nurse whips out the Doppler you get excited to hear what the lil ones got goin’ on up in mom’s bell. What’s funny is that I have a doppler at home that is left over from my pharmacy’s home health days, hell, I even have a billi-light set up if we need it, but there is a certain sense of pride one can feel when they rip the Doppler wand out of the nurse’s hand and guides them to the each heartbeat instantly.

I’m their dad, I know where the hell they are at all times. I even installed a webcam in my wife’s drawls to keep an extra eye on em. I get a text message, email, fax and tweet whenever they move.

Yeah people, I’m that involved.

If you haven’t purchased your own off eBay or craigslist or anywhere else on ye internets, you simply MUST darling. Just listening to babies is not all you can do with your Doppler. There are many other hilarious and disgusting uses for a baby-listening utensil. For example:

1. Using the 1/8″ output, record your baby’s or babies’s heartbeats and cut the .wav files and use them as kick drums in cakewalk software and make dance music using only uterine noises.
2. Eat a handful of cheeseballs and immediately listen as they digest. I’ve noticed that snack foods that contain mostly air emit an odd whistling as they pass through the esophagus.
3. Hold in all flatulence for a good half hour and listen as the gas escapes back into your body, doubling in intensity, aroma and comedic effect.
4. Hold the machine to your throat and gargle without water and make all kids within earshot stop and pay attention to you.
5. Cup the Doppler wand in your hands and say “Luke, I am your insurance salesman.” This will not annoy your wife.
6. Turn on the machine and whip the wand around by its cord and listen to the windsong.
7. Tell your wife to take her phone conversation about absolutely nothing upstairs and close the door. Then quietly sneak up there and put the Doppler wand to the door and the speaker to your ear (on low volume) and try to extract as much random chatter as you can. And when she opens the door to find you and your son ear up against it, open your mouth in an “IM SHOCKED” fashion and storm away.
8. When your mother in law calls, put the Doppler wand up against your facial hair and the speaker to the phone mic and ruffle your feathers. She won’t find it annoying at all.
9. Take it grocery shopping with you and clip it to your belt. Occasionally hold the wand up to random items in the store and act suspicious. When someone makes eye contact with you, drop the item and squeal like a 6 year old girl and hightail it out of there.
10. Take it to family functions and when large male members of your family are sitting, bell exposed, squirt some of the blue ultrasound goop on their belly and give a listen, preferably with the entire family behind you to hear “the beautiful gift of life.”

In no way am I joking about any of this.

Love,

Dad