i saw a cop i recognized at the gas station this morning. he nodded at me and i had that “where do i know that guy from?” moment where you get the pit in your stomach thinking that you owe the dude money, plus he’s carrying a gun, so im a potential corpse if i dont figure this out fast.
as i get into line to pay for me petrol he comes behind me and asks, like he’s a friend of mine – completely chill and non-threatening, “you gettin any more sleep lately?”
i turn around slowly trying to figure out if im in this sort of twilight zone where ive actually been out entertaining all night while sleepwalking and i have no idea what ive done, who ive turned on sexually, or which authority figures are after me for actions unknown.
i have no idea what the fuck this chump ass chauncey ass chauncey is talking about, but if i did, id say “sleep is for pussies you pig!” (im lying, i have a deep seated respect for police officers now that i dont carry pot everywhere i go – FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA!)
he can obviously see that im miffed, confuzzled, bedazzled. ”your boy, is he out of the hospital? everything settling down?”
then it clicks.
i remember this dude.
good dude.
*DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO: DREAM SEQUENCE: DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO*
the third or fourth night that my son was in the hospital back in february i had been pulled over about 75 seconds from my front door at about 1am for “odd driving behavior.” as it was i was at a stop light and was wiping the sleep from my eyes when i, all fuzzy seein like, thought the light turned green so i tapped on the gas, then saw it was red and stepped back on the brake, JUST as my fucking light turned green.
now this was after midnight on a tuesday so the main 2 lane highway i was on was pretty barren, but of course, with my ex-pot-smoker’s-luck the vehicle facing me across the intersection was 5.0.
i stepped back on the gas and saw the copper flip the bitch and get behind me. as soon as i pulled into my subdivision entrance he pulled me over right off a regularly busy road.
he came to the window and asked for my DL and insurance. i handed it over, he told me to “sit tight” – which oddly enough, i am the fucking king of sitting tight. so i sat pretty fucking tight yo.
next thing i know dude’s poking me in the arm goin “hey. Hey. HEY GUY! WAKE UP!”
i do the whole “wah? huh? who? what?” and look at the fucking cop staring back at me out my minivan window. “what is goin on sir? where are you coming from? why are you sleeping? you are driving a vehicle you should not be sleeping”
his voice was very robotic and i was near laughing when i caught myself and calmly explained my sitch: “i apologize officer. im like 500 yards from my house, so i can relieve my mother in law who is watching my 2 year old and one of my 6 week old twins. im en route from central dupage hospital in winfield where ive been since 8am this, err, yesterday morning. that 2 minutes you were gone was the most ive sat still outside of a hospital room all day. im sorry about dozing off like that officer.”
dude didnt say shit. he obviously knew i wasn’t drunk driving because i kept my eyes shut pretty much the entire last half of my monologue.
i could tell the guy had questions but knew i wasnt really talkative and that i wasnt really a threat to anyone but a toilet (hospital food SUCKS) and my pillow (im a cuddler people). he started to talk about three times when i opened my eyes to look at him and he was looking back at his car.
we met each other’s gaze again and he nodded and handed me back my schtuff and said “ill follow behind you and make sure you get home alright. if you’re ever this tired again and have to drive, id suggest arranging for other transportation.”
then there was an awkward pause like dude wanted something. and he didnt walk back to his car. he stammered out “whu wha whats yer kid in the hospital for if you dont mind me askin?”
“pukin. dude’s a puke monster and they dont know why. he was admitted as ‘failure to thrive’ so theyre running a bunch of tests.” and then i shrugged.
“my wife and i are trying for our first right now”
we both said nothing. did this cop just like open up to me or something? this is weird. but oddly comfortable. like a warm pair of still wet from the dryer socks or something.
then at the same time we both said “good luck” and he walked back to his car and i put my car in drive after he turned off his cherries. i pulled into my driveway, he kept driving.
*FADE TO CURRENT DAY*
as i walked out of the gas station towards me truck i remembered the part about his wife and when he opened the door out of the gas station i asked across the parkin lot “when’s the due date?”
“november 7th!”
“thats my birthday!”
and then a cop, which i have never seen this before, threw up the devil horns and got into his pigmobile while supporting his huge pistol.
fuck yeah 5.0
May 22nd, 2010 | 
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