Archive for June 25th, 2010

now that im a recovering catholic who has completely sworn off all things religious, i am still unable to take time off from work without feeling like a complete douchenozzle. but i guess i should mention that i am completely pro-not-being-an-asshole, so yeah, wait, that’s the exact opposite of what catholics have been in my experience… moving on

the guilt is so ingrained into my psyche that when i was recovering from having my appendix out april before last, i was back at work (and soon back home on the couch) after only a few days. i hate myself for not enjoying the time i earn off and making the most of it.
now since having kids ive taken dozens of days to care for them if their sick or take them out to the zoo or something, but ive never actually taken a day off for myself since my balls got me into this mess.

so today is a day off. all week my wife has been pestering me to make plans for our super happy fun day off. all week ive been putting it off because, shit, i REALLY want to have no plans and do whatever the fuck i feel like doing. so last night at 10 i said “hey, we have no plans tomorrow. we’re taking all 3 kids to daycare. im doing whatever the fuck i feel like doing.”
she was initially upset at the fact that we werent visiting one of chicago’s fine cultural exhibits or bistros (we love bistros because we can usually include body parts into conversations and put an “o” or an “isima” at the end of them and make them sound like edible treats) (im lying). but this morning at 445 when our oldest came trotting into the room saying “i wanna watch a movie” she looked at me and said “we can take a nap today, yes?”
to which i answered “yes chef” (ever since hells kitchen came out she says “yes?” at the end of a statement. it’s annoying but, hey, she let’s me see her naked).

we took the kids to daycare and passed a half dozen daycare friends on the way out “are you guys off today?” – followed by that look that screams “AND YOURE NOT SPENDING IT WITH YOUR KIDS?”.
i answered “hell yes. im going to read, sleep & i might even get to shit with the door closed.”
these people acted offended at such a thing, but i could tell their comments were basically rooted in a spiteful jealousy.

listen motherfuckers, not that i have to explain myself to you, but seriously:
i pay for daycare 5 days a week even if theyre only there 3 days.
i work all the fucking time and still have over a week of earned time off to use before december 31st.
i have chores around the house that could easily take me months if i do them 15 minutes at a time in between feedings, wipings & bathings & the occasional raspberry/zerbert/tickle session. if i do them at one time without distractions? an hour.
i spend all of my time away from the pharmacy with my kids, and while they are my everything, they dont do much for my housekeeping schedule or ability to SHIT WITH THE FUCKING DOOR CLOSED.
i havent taken a nap solo since 2008.

id like to think today is my day motherfucker.

so yes, wifey ate her breakfast too quick (and drank 4 MGD64′s last night- EEEEEEEEW!) and ended up having to clenchwalk her way through target while we grocery shopped & SPRINTED into the house when we pulled in with our groceries.
yes, wifey had a list of things for me to do that she read off while throned.
yes, i did the list & said “take me to the pool & then take me home & then dont fucking talk to me until 5pm”

so my day off so far, wasnt all that i had dreamnt, but we still havent come to the “teabagging” portion of my day. if wifey read the schedule i made out she’d notice that she completely overlooked the “taintmassage”, “mutual masturbation” and prostate milking sections of my mental shhhedule. (pronounced shhhhhhhhhedule)

the reason im telling you this is that alot of my friends never take actual days for themselves. maybe theyre still catholic or something, but i can only hope that some of you grundlemuffins learn to appreciate time spent WITHOUT your kids now and then, cause damn, shitting with the door closed is fucking akin to eating a blueberry muffin IN the motherfucking oven while getting yer toes licked by a playboy model who’s furiously frigging herself to the calendar of ME eating different assorted marinated and grilled meat delicasies.

now its the nap portion of my day, so do me a favor, EAT MY ASS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.