havingtwinsnow.com » General

a day off.

havingtwinsnow — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 18:24:45 +0000

now that im a recovering catholic who has completely sworn off all things religious, i am still unable to take time off from work without feeling like a complete douchenozzle. but i guess i should mention that i am completely pro-not-being-an-asshole, so yeah, wait, that’s the exact opposite of what catholics have been in my experience… moving on

the guilt is so ingrained into my psyche that when i was recovering from having my appendix out april before last, i was back at work (and soon back home on the couch) after only a few days. i hate myself for not enjoying the time i earn off and making the most of it.
now since having kids ive taken dozens of days to care for them if their sick or take them out to the zoo or something, but ive never actually taken a day off for myself since my balls got me into this mess.

so today is a day off. all week my wife has been pestering me to make plans for our super happy fun day off. all week ive been putting it off because, shit, i REALLY want to have no plans and do whatever the fuck i feel like doing. so last night at 10 i said “hey, we have no plans tomorrow. we’re taking all 3 kids to daycare. im doing whatever the fuck i feel like doing.”
she was initially upset at the fact that we werent visiting one of chicago’s fine cultural exhibits or bistros (we love bistros because we can usually include body parts into conversations and put an “o” or an “isima” at the end of them and make them sound like edible treats) (im lying). but this morning at 445 when our oldest came trotting into the room saying “i wanna watch a movie” she looked at me and said “we can take a nap today, yes?”
to which i answered “yes chef” (ever since hells kitchen came out she says “yes?” at the end of a statement. it’s annoying but, hey, she let’s me see her naked).

we took the kids to daycare and passed a half dozen daycare friends on the way out “are you guys off today?” – followed by that look that screams “AND YOURE NOT SPENDING IT WITH YOUR KIDS?”.
i answered “hell yes. im going to read, sleep & i might even get to shit with the door closed.”
these people acted offended at such a thing, but i could tell their comments were basically rooted in a spiteful jealousy.

listen motherfuckers, not that i have to explain myself to you, but seriously:
i pay for daycare 5 days a week even if theyre only there 3 days.
i work all the fucking time and still have over a week of earned time off to use before december 31st.
i have chores around the house that could easily take me months if i do them 15 minutes at a time in between feedings, wipings & bathings & the occasional raspberry/zerbert/tickle session. if i do them at one time without distractions? an hour.
i spend all of my time away from the pharmacy with my kids, and while they are my everything, they dont do much for my housekeeping schedule or ability to SHIT WITH THE FUCKING DOOR CLOSED.
i havent taken a nap solo since 2008.

id like to think today is my day motherfucker.

so yes, wifey ate her breakfast too quick (and drank 4 MGD64’s last night- EEEEEEEEW!) and ended up having to clenchwalk her way through target while we grocery shopped & SPRINTED into the house when we pulled in with our groceries.
yes, wifey had a list of things for me to do that she read off while throned.
yes, i did the list & said “take me to the pool & then take me home & then dont fucking talk to me until 5pm”

so my day off so far, wasnt all that i had dreamnt, but we still havent come to the “teabagging” portion of my day. if wifey read the schedule i made out she’d notice that she completely overlooked the “taintmassage”, “mutual masturbation” and prostate milking sections of my mental shhhedule. (pronounced shhhhhhhhhedule)

the reason im telling you this is that alot of my friends never take actual days for themselves. maybe theyre still catholic or something, but i can only hope that some of you grundlemuffins learn to appreciate time spent WITHOUT your kids now and then, cause damn, shitting with the door closed is fucking akin to eating a blueberry muffin IN the motherfucking oven while getting yer toes licked by a playboy model who’s furiously frigging herself to the calendar of ME eating different assorted marinated and grilled meat delicasies.

now its the nap portion of my day, so do me a favor, EAT MY ASS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

a day off. is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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wow. people suck. but fuck em.

havingtwinsnow — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:55:16 +0000

when we had our first child, we were pretty intimidated with the process of getting out of the house so we would often forgo going places with all three of us. we were pussies; mainly because of the hassle of packing, the hassle of unpacking when you arrive, the possibility of drama, large crowds, etc.

it took a few months of understanding what the necessities were when taking a kid anywhere, but we got there, and we like it outside of the house. we like the warmer months where we can leave the house at 8am, get back at 2pm and feel like the rest of the day and night is ours to enjoy our home. we don’t feel trapped or bored or any of that shit.

we’re woken up by a go-get-em 2 year old at 5:45am every fucking day anyway, why sulk around the house?

so we get out there. as much of a pain in the rectum as it can be, it’s rewarding to see your kids experiencing things and enjoying the things that living outside of chicago can allow you.

but there are people out there, and if you’re one of them, i want you to fucking stab yourself in your eye and apologize the stabbing instrument for getting it dirty you fucking coozenozzles. there are people out there who feel the world is theirs for the taking and maybe i never noticed these assholes before having the twins, but i’d say about 66.6% of people have no clue that there are other people on the planet besides them.

now i dont want to insult the entire non-children-raising public, because there are alot of you fucking cockflowers out there with kids that are just as fucking ridiculously blind to the fact that you co-fucking-exist with other human beings too. but holy shit, this morning i encountered a type of person i thought only existed in the deep analls of my brain. (and my brain has many many analls)

*the scene unfolds at joel’s daycare in yorkthrill, illinoiz:
i proceed to unload my three cherubs of glee out of the dadvan (i call him “pussy magnet” when wifey’s not with us). with two carriers and a 2 year old the drill is to extract the twins first, then walk around and yank out the older one and force him with the threat of bodily harm to hold onto the handle of one carrier so as to not die by being squishy squishy.

aaaaaaaaaaand let the shuffle begin.

we’re shufflin. we’re shufflin.

we’re just about to enter into the handicapped space when a car screeches to a halt from behind us and honks its horn.

now listen motherfucker. im not one to stop traffic with my family, i mean my impecable lovehandles and my ginormous testicles might stop traffic, but come on, im walking through a parking lot of a fucking daycare, with three motherfucking kids yo.

this cocknosed vagbadge had already dropped her kids off, had entered her vehicle, put the car in reverse and slammed on the gas only to see is WALKING THE OTHER DIRECTION THROUGH A HANDICAP SPACE.

OF COURSE ITS MY FAULT FOR WALKING THROUGH AN AREA NORMALLY RESERVED FOR ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.

**HOOOOONK**
**HOOOOOONK**

being the masculine, quick witted, super-dad with an attitude that i pride myself in being i gently drop the carrier that isn’t being held by my two year old and sing loud as fuck operatically (like opera man, ok?) “EAAAT MY AAAAASS SNATCHPANTS!”

to my dismay, this lady actually wants to start some shit rather than either apologizing or moving the fuck on like anyone else would’ve done after they realize they almost killed 4 people, 3 of which are kids under 3, by not paying attention to where they’re backing up… IN A FUCKING DAYCARE PARKING LOT of all places.

she puts the car in park and steps out of her vehicle like an overweight zepplin of unfounded rage, armed only with the flabby upper arms and crispy third chin of a woman either completely ravaged by long term steroid and bad hormone replacement drugs or who just found out her husband sold her favorite tub of lard in exchange for a subscription to “Boobs For A Dad Who Gets None Anymore” or BFADWGNA for short.

this lady wanted to brawl.

bring it on cuntwrap supreme.

i stood where we were in the safety of the handicap spot and realized that this lady needed my pity, not my anger. she needed my love, not my foot up her thick lipped gash of misery. she needed my confidence, not my fucking elbow of steel inside her stinkstar.

do i really wanna put a fat bitch down on the concrete in front of my kids? no. id only do that if someone ever fucking touched their mom in front of em. i wont even enact that occurance in words because id be arrested for even thinking the thoughts im thinking about thinking when it comes time to be thinkin about thinkin about that shit, yo. (here is where you whisper in your head “GANGSTAAAAAA”)

i think after about the 4 minute mark she realized my male verility would allow me to stand there for the rest of enternity if need be, either that or the yawn i couldnt hold back. she made a shuffle of her rack of lamb sized legs and went to duck back into her shitbox when i said like a fucking asshole “weeeeelllllllllll?”
she popped back out.
“weeeellllllllllllll? dont you have something to say to my innocent children?”

silence

“hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?”

silence

“mmmmmmhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm?”

silence

“how bout ‘hey kids, sorry for scaring you and almost running you over because i didnt look behind me and rather than just saying sorry to begin with i chose to enter into a battle of wits with the father of the frickin millenium over something so frickin simple as an apology, a head tilt and a wave.”

silence

she bent to get back in her car and left in silence. but as soon as she hit that corner out of my line of sight, boy she fuckin slammed on that gas pedal like her vagina was going to hit the back windshield from the G forces she was pilin on with her taintwagon.

so the moral of the story is, fucking pay attention. people take a lot of fucking time getting out of the house with their multiples, twins, triplets (hi @ryantrips & @tripsdad – you cockflowers), singletons, grandkids, nieces, nephews, what the fuck ever. for you to shit all over them just because you’re in a fucking hurry or too fucking selfcentered to realize that there are people outside of your fucking car that have people they love and care about too – that’s fucking, as my old drunk neighbor used to say incoherently, “thas fuckin horse hockey.”

so goiterneck with the fucking REEEEEEEE. HONK HONK HONK. STARE. when i find out where you live, im going to fucking send you every fucking piece of junk mail i can muster up.

im talkin the rascal.
the fucking valpack for vagina products only.
fucking publisher’s clearing house.
fucking sports illustrated under 77 names.

if you make a mistake, own up to it. if you scare someone’s kids, say you’re sorry.

but most of all.

STAY THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN YOU FUCKING SHAFTDODGERS!

wow. people suck. but fuck em. is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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this is my fertile time of year

havingtwinsnow — Sat, 22 May 2010 14:52:18 +0000

granted, my balls are divine and filled with the sperm of the ancients, but regardless of their lineage and internet fame, may is usually the time when i am most fertile. wifey and i celebrate our wedding anniversary amidst our family’s craziest month of the year for us, today may 22nd. may holds her mom’s birthday, her dad’s birthday, her birthday, mother’s day, our anniversary and memorial day. because we always try to take a night away from everyone else around this time of year, we also manage to make babies around this time of year.

last year i tried this move where i held a summer sausage in my teeth and a vodka tonic in my left hand while humming the theme song to gummibears. SCORE! TWINS!

but not this year. no. no more. im pretty sure we’ve reached our quota on kin. while i see her dad with his two daughters and the gleam in his teeth (could be the mercury fillings *shrug*) when he takes his two daughters out, i will have to deal with one ruling princess and two brutes. so yes, that was an admission of happiness you cockflowers.

may 22nd.

six years ago she tied me down and im almost positive her constant pressure on my testicles is the reason they have their own float at the Macy’s thanksgiving parade this november.

my balls will be on regis & kelly next week to talk about flotation devices and testicle safety.

happy anniversary babe, i will talk about my huge balls for the rest of your life.

love,

hubs

this is my fertile time of year is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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the minivan, the quick nap & the cop who nabbed me.

havingtwinsnow — Fri, 07 May 2010 18:41:14 +0000

i saw a cop i recognized at the gas station this morning. he nodded at me and i had that “where do i know that guy from?” moment where you get the pit in your stomach thinking that you owe the dude money, plus he’s carrying a gun, so im a potential corpse if i dont figure this out fast.

as i get into line to pay for me petrol he comes behind me and asks, like he’s a friend of mine – completely chill and non-threatening, “you gettin any more sleep lately?”

i turn around slowly trying to figure out if im in this sort of twilight zone where ive actually been out entertaining all night while sleepwalking and i have no idea what ive done, who ive turned on sexually, or which authority figures are after me for actions unknown.

i have no idea what the fuck this chump ass chauncey ass chauncey is talking about, but if i did, id say “sleep is for pussies you pig!” (im lying, i have a deep seated respect for police officers now that i dont carry pot everywhere i go – FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA!)

he can obviously see that im miffed, confuzzled, bedazzled. ”your boy, is he out of the hospital? everything settling down?”

then it clicks.

i remember this dude.

good dude.

*DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO: DREAM SEQUENCE: DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO*

the third or fourth night that my son was in the hospital back in february i had been pulled over about 75 seconds from my front door at about 1am for “odd driving behavior.” as it was i was at a stop light and was wiping the sleep from my eyes when i, all fuzzy seein like, thought the light turned green so i tapped on the gas, then saw it was red and stepped back on the brake, JUST as my fucking light turned green.

now this was after midnight on a tuesday so the main 2 lane highway i was on was pretty barren, but of course, with my ex-pot-smoker’s-luck the vehicle facing me across the intersection was 5.0.

i stepped back on the gas and saw the copper flip the bitch and get behind me. as soon as i pulled into my subdivision entrance he pulled me over right off a regularly busy road.

he came to the window and asked for my DL and insurance. i handed it over, he told me to “sit tight” – which oddly enough, i am the fucking king of sitting tight. so i sat pretty fucking tight yo.

next thing i know dude’s poking me in the arm goin “hey. Hey. HEY GUY! WAKE UP!”

i do the whole “wah? huh? who? what?” and look at the fucking cop staring back at me out my minivan window. “what is goin on sir? where are you coming from? why are you sleeping? you are driving a vehicle you should not be sleeping”

his voice was very robotic and i was near laughing when i caught myself and calmly explained my sitch: “i apologize officer. im like 500 yards from my house, so i can relieve my mother in law who is watching my 2 year old and one of my 6 week old twins. im en route from central dupage hospital in winfield where ive been since 8am this, err, yesterday morning. that 2 minutes you were gone was the most ive sat still outside of a hospital room all day. im sorry about dozing off like that officer.”

dude didnt say shit. he obviously knew i wasn’t drunk driving because i kept my eyes shut pretty much the entire last half of my monologue.

i could tell the guy had questions but knew i wasnt really talkative and that i wasnt really a threat to anyone but a toilet (hospital food SUCKS) and my pillow (im a cuddler people). he started to talk about three times when i opened my eyes to look at him and he was looking back at his car.

we met each other’s gaze again and he nodded and handed me back my schtuff and said “ill follow behind you and make sure you get home alright. if you’re ever this tired again and have to drive, id suggest arranging for other transportation.”

then there was an awkward pause like dude wanted something. and he didnt walk back to his car. he stammered out “whu wha whats yer kid in the hospital for if you dont mind me askin?”

“pukin. dude’s a puke monster and they dont know why. he was admitted as ‘failure to thrive’ so theyre running a bunch of tests.” and then i shrugged.

“my wife and i are trying for our first right now”

we both said nothing. did this cop just like open up to me or something? this is weird. but oddly comfortable. like a warm pair of still wet from the dryer socks or something.

then at the same time we both said “good luck” and he walked back to his car and i put my car in drive after he turned off his cherries. i pulled into my driveway, he kept driving.

*FADE TO CURRENT DAY*

as i walked out of the gas station towards me truck i remembered the part about his wife and when he opened the door out of the gas station i asked across the parkin lot “when’s the due date?”

“november 7th!”

“thats my birthday!”

and then a cop, which i have never seen this before, threw up the devil horns and got into his pigmobile while supporting his huge pistol.

fuck yeah 5.0

the minivan, the quick nap & the cop who nabbed me. is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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a personal success

havingtwinsnow — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 21:50:22 +0000

a friend contacted me over a year ago to lay down some guitars on a track that i had never heard, but was told was the greatest song ever recorded.

not only is that intimidating and flattering at the same time, but it says something about my friends. they know the awesome when they hear it.

now this song has been played on youtube a few thousand times in an unofficial leak since the song had never really been released.

until now, complete with some noodling from the dad with the amazing scrotal contents…

http://carlosknight.bandcamp.com/

this is my debut with carlos knight & the bay city boys, but our future looks so bright that ill get to flex my chest hair once again, someday.

GO LISTEN!

a personal success is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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