We learned that the cervix isn’t actually growing, but possibly relaxing, as its size is dynamic and constantly changing. But from the comments of the nurse and doctors at high risk, Julie has herself a beautiful looking cervix.

Thank frank!

So with just under four months to go in Julie’s twin pregnancy, we are trying to keep her relaxed around the house and lessening her stress level with her constant work worries. A few of the people we’ve met on Twitter have told us that they were put on bed rest at week 20 and had their twins at week 30, and knowing that their babies survived and are thriving is inspiring. But that doesn’t mean we’re loosening on our expectations for Julie’s cervix, NO SIR.

I’ve made up a schedule for her cervix to follow every day to make sure it keeps intact and performing up to par for the remainder of the pregnancy. This includes a lot of positive ego boosting and one on one conversations with the cervix.

People might find it odd, but I’ve spent the last few days speaking directly to the cervix in an encouraging voice:

“Who’s my favorite cervix? YOU ARE!”

“We’re counting on you Vix. You are our Obi Wan in this particular juncture.”

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”

“Don’t play like the Chicago Bears, be a winner!”

“You inspire me to be a better cervix, even though I’m a human male with no chance of ever being or owning my own cervix.”

Hey, I didn’t say I wasn’t completely drunk on lack of sleep and continuous worry, this is therapeutic! For me AND the cervix. It’s just a bit uncomfortable for our guests to see me speaking at my wife’s crotch all the time.

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Good News on the Cervical Front! is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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So we had the 23 week OB appointment yesterday up in St. Charles and after last Monday’s scare with the pukefest and the tepid hot chocolate they were all about dissecting Julie’s ever-increasing contractions and how they feel and where they fall on the Richter scale. As the husband who is constantly listening, even when I pretend I’m not listening, I knew the answers to all of their questions but refrained from raising my hand and answering for the lady who actually has the two babes all up in them guts.

Julie’s 23 week, twin pregnancy contractions are described as follows:

• A quick tightness in the upper ute
• Lasting anywhere from 15 seconds to 2 minutes
• They happen occasionally in the morning, but build up frequency as the day progresses
• When they happen at night she can move her laying position and it sometimes quells the severity
• Lately they have been taking her breath away
• She feels like she can’t take a full breath or a deep breath
• At this moment they do not wake her up out of a sound sleep

The doctors assure Julie that the shortness of breath is that there is baby where there used to be just expansion room for the diaphragm. If the contractions start becoming painful or knocking her off of her feet we should call the doctor’s group and set up an appointment.

But, everything looks good for a woman in her 28th week of pregnancy with one baby. The doctor plainly said “You’re measuring at 28 weeks.” Not bad baby maker extraordinaire!

Because of last week’s scare and the increase in the number of contractions, both the OB group and the high risk OB want to see more frequent cervical length pictures, so after our appointment in St. Charles we were told to head over to Delnor in Geneva to get another cervix length check.

I will have you know, with Julie’s expansive knowledge of St. Charles’ backroads, we got from Kirk & 64 to Delnor in 23 minutes. Which is unheard of. This is so unheard of, George Costanza from Seinfeld would brag of such an effort every time he saw you, had he accomplished something as impressive as the 23 minute romp from St. Charles to Geneva. It sounds pathetic, seeing as they are right next to each other on the map, but as far as traffic goes, they should both ban all vehicular traffic and start over it’s so brutal up there.

Dr. Losure at high risk OB took a look at Julie’s cervical measurements and noted a decrease in size from last weeks 5.25cm to 4.3 cm, but we are still supposedly in the good zone. There was no evidence of funneling (image link) or anything to be concerned with, but due to the fact that its size has decreased, we will be checking the cervix again next Monday to get trending data and see if any further action is needed.

So in the span of three weeks we’ve gone from needing 6 week appointments for each doctor, usually falling within 2 weeks of each other, to 4 week appointments, to now, weekly.

And we still have 16-17 weeks to go.

Whatever, I’ll take constant car time and gas expenses for healthy babies anyday.

“You’re Measuring At 28 Weeks.” Says the doctor to the 23 week preggo. is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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I’ve started to kick Julie out of the house. There is no way a woman can expect a miracle to be performed on a room full of instruments, computers and a 1974 Wurlitzer Funmaker during nap times and weeknights alone. Two out of the five weeknights I teach guitar lessons out of our house, and it seems every weekend is packed full of weddings, shopping trips and more and more fucking trips to Babies R’ Rippin’ Us Off than I care to admit.

So rather than dealing with the time crunch and having an excuse to not get my son’s new room done, I kicked the wifey out on Sunday so I could get my entire old office evacuated in preparation of paint and a race car bed. I did pretty well. The room is completely empty. But at about 8pm on Sunday through about 7am Monday morning, I was wondering if my request might end up hurting my wife and unborn twins.

Ya’ see, Julie accompanied her mother and sister and her kids, along with my son to St. Charles, Illinois‘s Annual Scarecrow Festival. Fun was had by all, including a delicious cup of luke warm hot chocolate. Julie had a cup, her sister had a cup, mmmmm yummy.

As soon as Julie started heading back home to Yorkville, she started feeling queasy. She got home, cooked dinner, ate dinner and then headed up to bed around 7:30pm. Around 8pm I heard “Joel?” So I went upstairs to investigate. 11 hours later Julie was still ralphing her guts out in the bathroom while I laid awake hoping to comfort her if she returned to bed.

She came back to bed a few times, and I fetched her some crushed ice and some saltines, yet every few minutes I was jarred awake by the sounds of her spleen wanting to make contact with our toilet water and a rabid WREEEEETCH was heard throughout the entire neighborhood.

By 6:30am, as I got into the shower delirious and drunk on no sleep, Julie had just barely fallen asleep, and by the time I finished my traditional sinus rinse, she was back in the bathroom puking again. 11 hours, dozens of ralph wiggums, no fun. She wasn’t going to work today.

I headed in to work, knowing I would be called to take her to the doctor at some point, and about an hour into my day I took a call from her where she told me the OB group wanted her to get to the hospital to take in some fluids. I raced home, scooped her in my arms, threw her into the back of my pickup and raced north to Delnor’s Labor & Delivery Center.

We checked in and they immediatley tried to get her an IV running, but of course, that would’ve been what should’ve happened. Instead, my usually veiny wife was poked 4 times before the fourth nurse found a fitting vein. The not-so-successful pokers before that last nurse all called my wife ‘valvular.’ I didn’t know whether to be turned on or offended so I shut my mouth.

Two bags of Lactated Ringer’s in and we received a personal visit from our High Risk OB doctor, Dr. Losure, who came with a fresh set of wheels ready to wisk my wife away to get her cervix checked. Her cervix looks great and we got the chance to see our twins faces again, and a few print outs for the refrigerator too. Dr. Losure wheeled us back and instructed the nurse to give Julie one more bag, since she still hadn’t peed since we had first arrived at the hospital.

A few hours, and horrible soap operas later one of the doctors from the Focus on Women PB group that we se came by and cleared Julie to head home to take it easy. She’s been eating oatmeal in bird nibbles and drinking water in wussy sips ever since.

On the way home she called her sister, who, oddly enough was up all night and had taken off work that day just to pee out of her butt!

What did they ingest in common? A TEPID CUP OF HOT FUCKING CHOCOLATE. Yes, you can get food poisoning from a drink. I told my wife that she was drinking CARNY WATER and that was what made her puke puke all night.

Lesson of the day? If your hot chocolate is cool enough for you to drink it when you first get it, throw it the fuck away.

Love,

Dad.

Having Twins, Tepid Hot Chocolate & The Never Ending Pukefest is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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• Definite sexes of each
• Weight
• Growth process
• Asses the risk levels for spina bifida & downs and any structural issues
• Location in the womb
• Overall health of the babies

Well, we got great answers on all fronts.

We are confirmed as having one boy and one girl. Right now Baby A is our daughter, Leah Anne, and she is 13oz. and currently beating the crap out of Baby B, our son Mason Robert, 11oz., who is currently getting his ass kicked by his older and slightly bigger sister.

Wanna’ meet em?

It looks like Leah is positioned behind Mason with his rear end right in the line of fire, and while watching the good hour long ultrasound we were treated to numerous bludgeons with feet and fists. If there was a way to monitor these kids live at, say a local watering hole, I am sure the humor would cause giggles and finger points all around the bar. I would then invent a drinking game that would require shots of expensive tequila for every head shot, cheap gin for every body shot, and perhaps a bottle of Cristal if a middle finger is raised. It would be legendary, expensive and unnecessary. Much like most of the large parties I have thrown for birthdays or bachelor party festivities (curious? there was lunch meat sliced for the explicit use of throwing it on the entertainment).

I remember slight movements when our son was in the womb, but never a full on ass kicking. This was insane.

My daughter seems to have her brother right where she wants him, and I’m pretty sure I will be unable to resist her charms by the time she pops out to meet us. I have no problem being a complete push over, and yes, she will have a pony.

So everything looks great. The placenta position has improved, the cervix length is better than great, there are no visible complications with growth or structural issues, nada. We are thankful, lucky and not taking anything for granted at this point.

My next goal is figuring out how to make my wife’s job less stressful, and I’m pretty sure the only way to do that is to go bitch slap some butch bitches or convince her it’s time to start bed rest early.

20 Week Ultrasound is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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This time, the scan was more specific because the cervix had developed more since two weeks prior. I’m not 100% sure what the number was, centimeters or “clicks” or what, but she measured at “46.” If you know what that means, please, let me know. Of course, having the technician say “Now THAT is a beautiful cervix,” is good enough for us.

And for the record, I am thankful, once again, for the testicles I was given, because if someone told me to shove this inside of me I would vomit.

Look at this WAAAAND!

Of course the blue goo is perfectly coiled like a squirt of caramel isn’t it?

"Would you like to guide it in?" "No!"

For the record, I would not like to guide it in.

fin.

Contractions @ Week 18 is a post from: havingtwinsnow.com

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