the minivan, the quick nap & the cop who nabbed me.
May 7th, 2010 | 
Author: i saw a cop i recognized at the gas station this morning. he nodded at me and i had that “where do i know that guy from?” moment where you get the pit in your stomach thinking that you owe the dude money, plus he’s carrying a gun, so im a potential corpse if i dont figure this out fast.
as i get into line to pay for me petrol he comes behind me and asks, like he’s a friend of mine – completely chill and non-threatening, “you gettin any more sleep lately?”
i turn around slowly trying to figure out if im in this sort of twilight zone where ive actually been out entertaining all night while sleepwalking and i have no idea what ive done, who ive turned on sexually, or which authority figures are after me for actions unknown.
i have no idea what the fuck this chump ass chauncey ass chauncey is talking about, but if i did, id say “sleep is for pussies you pig!” (im lying, i have a deep seated respect for police officers now that i dont carry pot everywhere i go – FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA!)
he can obviously see that im miffed, confuzzled, bedazzled. ”your boy, is he out of the hospital? everything settling down?”
then it clicks.
i remember this dude.
good dude.
*DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO: DREAM SEQUENCE: DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO DIDDLY DO*
the third or fourth night that my son was in the hospital back in february i had been pulled over about 75 seconds from my front door at about 1am for “odd driving behavior.” as it was i was at a stop light and was wiping the sleep from my eyes when i, all fuzzy seein like, thought the light turned green so i tapped on the gas, then saw it was red and stepped back on the brake, JUST as my fucking light turned green.
now this was after midnight on a tuesday so the main 2 lane highway i was on was pretty barren, but of course, with my ex-pot-smoker’s-luck the vehicle facing me across the intersection was 5.0.
i stepped back on the gas and saw the copper flip the bitch and get behind me. as soon as i pulled into my subdivision entrance he pulled me over right off a regularly busy road.
he came to the window and asked for my DL and insurance. i handed it over, he told me to “sit tight” – which oddly enough, i am the fucking king of sitting tight. so i sat pretty fucking tight yo.
next thing i know dude’s poking me in the arm goin “hey. Hey. HEY GUY! WAKE UP!”
i do the whole “wah? huh? who? what?” and look at the fucking cop staring back at me out my minivan window. “what is goin on sir? where are you coming from? why are you sleeping? you are driving a vehicle you should not be sleeping”
his voice was very robotic and i was near laughing when i caught myself and calmly explained my sitch: “i apologize officer. im like 500 yards from my house, so i can relieve my mother in law who is watching my 2 year old and one of my 6 week old twins. im en route from central dupage hospital in winfield where ive been since 8am this, err, yesterday morning. that 2 minutes you were gone was the most ive sat still outside of a hospital room all day. im sorry about dozing off like that officer.”
dude didnt say shit. he obviously knew i wasn’t drunk driving because i kept my eyes shut pretty much the entire last half of my monologue.
i could tell the guy had questions but knew i wasnt really talkative and that i wasnt really a threat to anyone but a toilet (hospital food SUCKS) and my pillow (im a cuddler people). he started to talk about three times when i opened my eyes to look at him and he was looking back at his car.
we met each other’s gaze again and he nodded and handed me back my schtuff and said “ill follow behind you and make sure you get home alright. if you’re ever this tired again and have to drive, id suggest arranging for other transportation.”
then there was an awkward pause like dude wanted something. and he didnt walk back to his car. he stammered out “whu wha whats yer kid in the hospital for if you dont mind me askin?”
“pukin. dude’s a puke monster and they dont know why. he was admitted as ‘failure to thrive’ so theyre running a bunch of tests.” and then i shrugged.
“my wife and i are trying for our first right now”
we both said nothing. did this cop just like open up to me or something? this is weird. but oddly comfortable. like a warm pair of still wet from the dryer socks or something.
then at the same time we both said “good luck” and he walked back to his car and i put my car in drive after he turned off his cherries. i pulled into my driveway, he kept driving.
*FADE TO CURRENT DAY*
as i walked out of the gas station towards me truck i remembered the part about his wife and when he opened the door out of the gas station i asked across the parkin lot “when’s the due date?”
“november 7th!”
“thats my birthday!”
and then a cop, which i have never seen this before, threw up the devil horns and got into his pigmobile while supporting his huge pistol.
fuck yeah 5.0
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For some reason your story reminded me of one of my own.. though not entirely related…
On Millenium new year… yeah, the night that the world was ending; at 10 to midnight, I happened to be in Amsterdam. My bf at the time was busy driving his british Jeep Cherokee (I still trip out when someone is driving to my right) on two wheels around and around a roundabout. The man had skillz. Either that or the mixture of pot, extasy and booze was elevating his driving ability to another level. After finishing his ring around the rosie, we pulled onto the road to get to a nearby “feest”: translate, “ridiculous dutch party” before midnight.
All of a sudden.. cherries behind us and that freaky european siren wailing.
Shit man, I had a bottle of beer in my lap… and I think our pupils were about the size of golf balls.
The dutch copper pokes his head into the driver window (on the right again.. super trippy) and greets Eric by name. Should I have taken that as a sign? Eric tells him that we are on our way home to make it there for midnight… the cop takes one look inside, and looks directly at me and the beer I’m trying to stoosh in my armpit.. I was busy pissing myself so didn’t say a word..
He then tells Eric to drive straight home.. that he’d follow us to make sure we got there safely.. and that we were to remain at home. WTF?! We were clearly fucked up.. like completely messed.. yet he was going to escort us home?! Dutch cops are a little layed back.. but not THIS layed back.
I took this a sign to get the mo-f’in AWAY from Eric. What in hells name were the cops waiting for… something bigger??
I left Eric a week later and he was arrested for possession and trafficking on a grand, international scale…
Ahhh.. nostalgia. Yah gotsta love it. See? Totally unrelated, but my dear, you triggered a long buried memory that had to be shared.
haha awesome
in my experience, anyone with ties to trafficking of any kind isnt the kind of person I’d want to be around. mainly because at any time i could find myself on the wrong end of traffic NA MEAN?
if i ever live in amsterdamn, and by live i mean visit to get baked as shit, i will attempt some 2 wheel motion in your honor shauna.
love,
dad
I hope to god I am not knocked up.. that story made me cry… Wow… So glad the cop is expecting and weird it is your bday… Thank goodness your baby is ok too…
I know i know.. sappy coming from me.. I know. Shut up!
Hey man, it was my business to be at the wrong end of traffic.. NA MEAN?
Yesh, please do. And if you DO end up getting pulled over; act like a big time crim and maybe they’ll let ya go.. they’ll probably put you under surveilance, but what the hell; not much they could convict on, right? What are they going to do, nail you with improper disposal of a poopy diaper? Contributing to the delinquency of a minor? I know a good lawyer.
Just the image of a cop doing devil horns made this story insanely sweet.
And I’m glad the hospital days are over.