Posts Tagged ‘cervix’

Hey sports fans & all you creeps interested in my wife’s cervical length!
Yes, I called you creeps! Are you offended? Offended enough to send me 5 dollars cash to apologize? I DIDN’T THINK SO!

Back to our Cervix Length Update ladies & gentlemen!

Yesterday, November 3rd, 2009, Julie was measured at a whopping 5.0cm!

What does that mean? Well, it means that all of the communication that I have had with her nether regions are actually paying off! The time and energy I have devoted to speaking directly into the birth canal have made the impossible happen!

YES! The cervix seems to be GROWING! Yes, the doctors all say that is indeed impossible, but fuck them! They have no idea of the power of positive thinking and one on one discussions with a vagina!

These “Conversations With A Crotch” will soon be a part of a nationwide movement for all husbands of ‘preggo with multiples’ broads to get down at eye level with the baby-spewing-hole of their loved one and repeat the following poem in a Danish accent:

There once was a cervix named Flo, it’s loved ones urged her to grow.

When she was given the powers that be, she took over rank of the va-jay-jay and was soon in charge of the power to pee!

Shine on you crazy cervix, for you hold the everlasting power of birth, remain in your strength and length to keep my kids up in there, not yet on this earth.

Until the doctor says those magic words, dear cervix named Flo, I will give you the attention you deserve.

Yes, I know. I have serious problems, but what would you do when the only thing holding your kids in their mom-cubator is a tiny few centimeters?

Me?

I take my role as a supportive father very seriously and will do anything to ensure a safe arrival to their destination.

And yes, that includes reciting ridiculous poems to my wife’s crotch hole.

fin.

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So we had the 23 week OB appointment yesterday up in St. Charles and after last Monday’s scare with the pukefest and the tepid hot chocolate they were all about dissecting Julie’s ever-increasing contractions and how they feel and where they fall on the Richter scale. As the husband who is constantly listening, even when I pretend I’m not listening, I knew the answers to all of their questions but refrained from raising my hand and answering for the lady who actually has the two babes all up in them guts.

Julie’s 23 week, twin pregnancy contractions are described as follows:

• A quick tightness in the upper ute
• Lasting anywhere from 15 seconds to 2 minutes
• They happen occasionally in the morning, but build up frequency as the day progresses
• When they happen at night she can move her laying position and it sometimes quells the severity
• Lately they have been taking her breath away
• She feels like she can’t take a full breath or a deep breath
• At this moment they do not wake her up out of a sound sleep

The doctors assure Julie that the shortness of breath is that there is baby where there used to be just expansion room for the diaphragm. If the contractions start becoming painful or knocking her off of her feet we should call the doctor’s group and set up an appointment.

But, everything looks good for a woman in her 28th week of pregnancy with one baby. The doctor plainly said “You’re measuring at 28 weeks.” Not bad baby maker extraordinaire!

Because of last week’s scare and the increase in the number of contractions, both the OB group and the high risk OB want to see more frequent cervical length pictures, so after our appointment in St. Charles we were told to head over to Delnor in Geneva to get another cervix length check.

I will have you know, with Julie’s expansive knowledge of St. Charles’ backroads, we got from Kirk & 64 to Delnor in 23 minutes. Which is unheard of. This is so unheard of, George Costanza from Seinfeld would brag of such an effort every time he saw you, had he accomplished something as impressive as the 23 minute romp from St. Charles to Geneva. It sounds pathetic, seeing as they are right next to each other on the map, but as far as traffic goes, they should both ban all vehicular traffic and start over it’s so brutal up there.

Dr. Losure at high risk OB took a look at Julie’s cervical measurements and noted a decrease in size from last weeks 5.25cm to 4.3 cm, but we are still supposedly in the good zone. There was no evidence of funneling (image link) or anything to be concerned with, but due to the fact that its size has decreased, we will be checking the cervix again next Monday to get trending data and see if any further action is needed.

So in the span of three weeks we’ve gone from needing 6 week appointments for each doctor, usually falling within 2 weeks of each other, to 4 week appointments, to now, weekly.

And we still have 16-17 weeks to go.

Whatever, I’ll take constant car time and gas expenses for healthy babies anyday.

Two weeks ago we traveled to the high risk OB’s office to check on Julie’s cervix length to determine if these extremely early contractions were somehow harming her, the babies or shrinking her cervix somehow. Last time she had the cervical scan, it “looked good for 16 weeks” but there wasnt a truly defined cervix to really measure, but there also wasn’t anything to be concerned about when looking at it.

This time, the scan was more specific because the cervix had developed more since two weeks prior. I’m not 100% sure what the number was, centimeters or “clicks” or what, but she measured at “46.” If you know what that means, please, let me know. Of course, having the technician say “Now THAT is a beautiful cervix,” is good enough for us.

And for the record, I am thankful, once again, for the testicles I was given, because if someone told me to shove this inside of me I would vomit.

Look at this WAAAAND!

Of course the blue goo is perfectly coiled like a squirt of caramel isn’t it?

For the record, I would not like to guide it in.

fin.

It’s been an interesting few weeks, as the weekend before last Julie started having contractions. Week 16 and contracting? Not normal.

She knows how to listen to her body so she sat down immediately and gave herself some down time, but they started happening WHILE she was laying down too, so we thought it wise to contact our doctors and see what they thought.

A few phone calls later we had some appointments and tests lined up with our OB group and the high risk doctors we see in tandem. We visited the high risk OB first and did a cervix measurement and were told that the cervix was in fact, nice and long and that when we returned in a few weeks they would document, again, the length.

So from now on, every time we see the high risk OB there will be a cervix measurement involved.

After they had taken that measurement and assured us that everything looked fine, Julie was given a high five for paying attenion to the situation and bringing it to the attention of the doctor groups we visit. Way to go Julie! You know A BOATLOAD  about how you are supposed to feel. Most men I know would ignore it and keep on mowing like me.

***NOT THAT I MAKE MY PREGNANT WIFE MOW THE GRASS, although a little more help with digging trenches and the moat that I am constructing around our house would be appreciated. I’m not saying she’s lazy, but those two kids in her bell bell are a bad influence. What is this? SUMMER CAMP?

After she left the high risk OB she headed up to the OB group that will be participating in catching the twins as they come squirting out in 2010 for a urinalysis. They wanted to check her levels against her previous tests and check for any signs of infections that could be causing the contractions.

Nada. Nothing. Her pee was perfect.

I tell her this all the time now: “Julie, your urine is top notch, be proud of yourself.”

So now we’re cutting short our attendance at parties and elevated stress situations to hopefully reduce the number of these contractions, but it sucks that she is feeling them so early. We might have to cancel the tag team co-ed wrestling tourament we entered because of this.

We were going as “The Belly Bumpers”.

Oh well.

Below is some imagery I think you should show your husbands, since women all know their gps coordinates for each of their female parts better than guys know where the remote is.

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