Posts Tagged ‘current events’

Hey sports fans & all you creeps interested in my wife’s cervical length!
Yes, I called you creeps! Are you offended? Offended enough to send me 5 dollars cash to apologize? I DIDN’T THINK SO!

Back to our Cervix Length Update ladies & gentlemen!

Yesterday, November 3rd, 2009, Julie was measured at a whopping 5.0cm!

What does that mean? Well, it means that all of the communication that I have had with her nether regions are actually paying off! The time and energy I have devoted to speaking directly into the birth canal have made the impossible happen!

YES! The cervix seems to be GROWING! Yes, the doctors all say that is indeed impossible, but fuck them! They have no idea of the power of positive thinking and one on one discussions with a vagina!

These “Conversations With A Crotch” will soon be a part of a nationwide movement for all husbands of ‘preggo with multiples’ broads to get down at eye level with the baby-spewing-hole of their loved one and repeat the following poem in a Danish accent:

There once was a cervix named Flo, it’s loved ones urged her to grow.

When she was given the powers that be, she took over rank of the va-jay-jay and was soon in charge of the power to pee!

Shine on you crazy cervix, for you hold the everlasting power of birth, remain in your strength and length to keep my kids up in there, not yet on this earth.

Until the doctor says those magic words, dear cervix named Flo, I will give you the attention you deserve.

Yes, I know. I have serious problems, but what would you do when the only thing holding your kids in their mom-cubator is a tiny few centimeters?

Me?

I take my role as a supportive father very seriously and will do anything to ensure a safe arrival to their destination.

And yes, that includes reciting ridiculous poems to my wife’s crotch hole.

fin.

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• The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books (huffingtonpost.com)
• A labor tale (atyourcervix.blogspot.com)

Yesterday, we drove up north again to visit with high risk OB at Delnor to check the cervical length again. With Julie’s bout of food poisoning, constant contractions and work related stress on top of just “having twins” they are quite adamant about getting consistent measurements to get some trending data to rely on. Last week it went from a 5.2 cm to around a 4.3cm, and yesterday Jules was at a 4.7cm.

We learned that the cervix isn’t actually growing, but possibly relaxing, as its size is dynamic and constantly changing. But from the comments of the nurse and doctors at high risk, Julie has herself a beautiful looking cervix.

Thank frank!

So with just under four months to go in Julie’s twin pregnancy, we are trying to keep her relaxed around the house and lessening her stress level with her constant work worries. A few of the people we’ve met on Twitter have told us that they were put on bed rest at week 20 and had their twins at week 30, and knowing that their babies survived and are thriving is inspiring. But that doesn’t mean we’re loosening on our expectations for Julie’s cervix, NO SIR.

I’ve made up a schedule for her cervix to follow every day to make sure it keeps intact and performing up to par for the remainder of the pregnancy. This includes a lot of positive ego boosting and one on one conversations with the cervix.

People might find it odd, but I’ve spent the last few days speaking directly to the cervix in an encouraging voice:

“Who’s my favorite cervix? YOU ARE!”

“We’re counting on you Vix. You are our Obi Wan in this particular juncture.”

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”

“Don’t play like the Chicago Bears, be a winner!”

“You inspire me to be a better cervix, even though I’m a human male with no chance of ever being or owning my own cervix.”

Hey, I didn’t say I wasn’t completely drunk on lack of sleep and continuous worry, this is therapeutic! For me AND the cervix. It’s just a bit uncomfortable for our guests to see me speaking at my wife’s crotch all the time.

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• How Safe Is Bleeding In Pregnancy When Theres A Heart Beat And Cervix Is Closed? (parenting-success.com)
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Hey now, don’t look at me like that!

I’m not making this crap up! There is a nearly 3% difference between May and January births and who conceived them, dumb broads or smart broads, rich broads or poor broads, socially mature broads or socially inept broads.

Think I’m full of the stink? Read this: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125356566517528879.html

I know some studies are pretty dumb, and this one might actually be a little common sensical if it weren’t for the fact that my son and my two unborn twins are all winter babies. So rather than being offended that there is empirical data out there that such a truth exists, however small it is, I’m going to react how a dumb, loose teen would:

Eat my ass sciencers!

Seriously, read the article. I chortled.

Chortled!

• Open Question: Do you have a picky eater or a garbage disposal ?

September 3, 2009
- We currently have a garbage disposal who is occasionally picky. I’m curious about how the twins will be in every situation imaginable, but for some reason I haven’t thought about this one yet.

• Open Question: is it less likely for a short girl to have twins?

September 3, 2009
- I love questions like this, it makes me feel better about my own stupid sounding questions. I asked recently, do twins like pork?
I was met with apologetic smiles and a tilt of the head. “Yes, Joel. Twins like pork.”