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Last week had the potential to be a really shitty week. A really shitty Christmas week.

Julie’s 24hr urine test showed a “higher than the doctor expected” amount of protein (526mg) in her urine and after a few more higher than normal blood pressure readings at our respective doctor’s offices our High Risk OB group was a ginger’s pubic hair away from admitting Julie into the hospital with preeclampsia. She would stay in the hospital until our family increases from 3 to 5.

We’ve gone through tears and crying about the thought of her actually missing Christmas morning with our son.

We’ve run over the logistics of having a wife in the hospital 50 minutes away where our son isn’t welcome because of the bullshit swine flu. Also factoring in that he’s doing really really well in his new bed.

We’ve realized that there is nothing more painful than not being able to see your kid.

We understand the need for hospitalization,  but we also understand that 32 weeks isn’t our perfect scenario to meet our children for the first time.

We wanted to avoid it until it was absolutely necessary.

So we took some precautions with Dr. Losure’s help at High Risk OB at Delnor Hospital.

Julie has been taking her blood pressure readings at home with a recommended wrist cuff (we got it at walgreens for about 40 bucks). She has been given the list of symptoms of preeclampsia to watch out for and has taken it down from about a 5 on scale of 1-10, to about a 2.

Meaning I allow her to wipe her own ass and feed herself.

On Christmas Eve we met with our other doctor group and our doctor there was happy with the bp readings Julie has been having, as well as the lack of any significant protein in her urine using the chincy little dipsticks they use.

He understood the strain a Christmas in the hospital would put on Julie if it wasn’t completely needed, so he scheduled another 24hr urine collection/blood test, and tomorrow we will find out the results of those tests.

We’re hoping we can add a few more weeks to our little baby farm up in Julie’s magic vag of enlightenment.

We will find out tomorrow. Until then…

Last Thursday we had a pair of doctor appointments, one at the OB group and one at High Risk OB @ Delnor Hospital.

Because of our previous visit to the OB group and their complete lack of being prepared, having read Julie’s file, and not knowing their own practice’s practices – we were prepping for a battle of words and belly bumps. Unfortunately for Julie, all of that worrying got her blood pressure up over her normal range and the MA informing her of it increased it even more.

Throughout this entire pregnancy Julie’s blood pressure has been hovering right around 120/80. Every visit was within a few points of the previous visit’s and even though we’ve had a few scares, those have always occurred after the bp reading was taken.

So when Julie was told she was 140/92 or around there for three different readings, two on the exam table and one sitting up straight in a visitor’s chair, the doctor wanted us to keep an eye on it mainly because it had never been an issue before and since we’re high risk, having twins and it’s getting towards crunch time.

What are we keeping an eye on exactly? Two things. If we were looking up a mountain we would first see Hypertension and then Preeclampsia. Thankfully Julie is showing no signs of having either besides the one episode of the high blood pressure. She doesn’t have puffy hands of feet, or “the look” of having anything similar to preeclampsia, says the High Risk doctor, but to be on the safe side he ordered her to collect her urine for 24 hours and then when she drops of her lovely pee, she gets to have some blood drawn.

Julie’s mom, Patti, is an MA herself so over the weekend she took Julies blood pressure a few more times to be sure she wasn’t actually consistent at 140/90 or anything close to that. Every reading had Julie down to where she normally is, if not lower. But regardless of our own findings, we trusted that we should follow through on the pissfest.

So our pissfest started yesterday morning. They gave her a jug of about 3/4 gallon and a handy dandy collection funnel, which is just the most seasonal and festive piss cup/pouring device I’ve ever seen. AND I’VE SEEN ALOT OF PISS COLLECTORS IN MY DAY, OH BOY.

She was instructed to toss out her first morning wee and then collect from there on out until the first morning wee of the next day, which was this morning.

Of course, in our lives, nothing comes without humor.
Keeping the funnel/hat away from our inquisitive son wasn’t the funniest part.
Storing the piss jug next to the orange juice in the fridge wasn’t the funniest part.
Watching Julie retrieve her piss jug every few minutes and the look on her face as she walked past us towards the bathroom (or as the label I put on the door says: SPECIMEN COLLECTION) wasn’t the funniest part.

No, no, no: the funniest part of the whole piss collection story is that Julie ran out of room.

Yes, Julie has a huge orange piss jug full of piss and two tiny tupperware containers full of preggopiss.

Today when she picks me up for our doctor appointment and her blood test, I’m going to make the piss jugs sit shotgun while I sit in back plugging my nose.

I love my wife, but I love laughing at her too. Every time I fall on my ass on the ice, or hit my head on a cabinet or crib, or slip on her panties lying all over the place, she laughs until she cries – well I will carry on the humor of this piss-sperience until she hits me really really hard, or the babies are born. I’m just that kind of guy.

As you can probably tell, I am not worried in the slightest that there is any noticeable protein build up in her tinkle. I believe our doctors are just being as cautious as they should be in a situation such as ours. I have a serious case of the positive thinkings going on and it wouldn’t be beneficial to Julie or the twins if I was to be a worry-wart and hounding over her pee like a koi-pond enthusiast hovering over his koi-pond, if his koi-pond were in fact nearly a gallon of bright yellow piss, in a jug, in my fridge, right next to the oj, right above my assortment of yogurts, cheap cheeses and fruit du jour.

If I know my wife’s piss, and I think I do, that jug has approximately 8 hours left before the acids in her wee wee tinkles eat through that plastic like hydrochloric acid on a cheap pair of rubber gloves.

I better get home and fortify the piss jug.

toodles.

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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 we did our normal routine of hitting up one Dr.’s office and then moving on to the next.

We first had a cervical scan at High Risk OB at Delnor Hospital with Rita and Dr. Kalchbrenner. Of course the staff was awesome and the scan proved encouraging, as Julie is now measuring at 44 and is, supposedly, sporting a cervix that even women carrying singletons would admire.
The people at HROB are dependable and you never leave feeling like they don’t have their shit together.

I wish I could say the same for Focus On Women’s new merger partner Fox Valley Women & Children’s Health Partners.

We were informed of the merger about a month ago and while at the time it seemed like something that wouldn’t necessarily impact our doctor/patient relationship too much, but now it seems like the common courtesy to “READ YOUR PATIENT’S FILE BEFORE THE APPOINTMENT” went out the window with their old business cards.

Some aspects of the merger seemed convenient, like an office about 25 minutes closer to our home, and, well, that was basically it. But the addition of a dozen new doctors into the fray makes us feel like we’re on a speeding car, sitting shotgun, and the driver keeps changing spots leaving us headed towards oncoming traffic too frequently.
It’s unsettling.

While getting Julie’s blood pressure taken and the heart rates of the bebes, the MA asked Julie when her C-Section was scheduled for.

Excuse me? What C-Section? Julie looked like she had been hit with a frying pan (not that I’ve ever attempted to hit her with a frying pan, she’d kick my ass).

The MA said it was just a routine question, but it was one we had never been asked because when we first met with Focus On Women it was determined that that would be a judgment call come time to deliver. If baby A (Leah the beautiful) was head down, we’d proceed with the vaginal birth. If not, we’d move towards a C-Section. But to hear it asked of us like we were unprepared for not having one scheduled was a bit unnerving. It seems this new practice we’ve been thrown to has a policy of ONLY performing C-Section births for multiples, no matter what. We wish we would have know there was no natural option with the new doctors.

About twenty minutes later the midwife came in and did her best to act like she had read Julie’s file, but it was clear that she had no idea what the hell was going on because all of her questions raised more and more questions from us.

We immediately ask about the C-Section issue and she goes on to tell us that the two groups have not agreed on a standard for the practice yet. “But what did Focus On Women tell you?” she asks. Julie starts talking and no sooner than a dozen words come out the midwife is interrupting her telling us where her practice stands.

Did you just ask my wife a question? Will you let her finish? We understand you are more important than us, but isn’t the purpose of this appointment to see how Julie is doing and progressing in the pregnancy not hearing your opinions on which practice’s stance is better in your non-doctor opinion? This woman seemed nice, but completely snobbish to us because we had come from the other practice.

“So you’re 29, about 30 weeks pregnant, and O negative, when did you have your Rhogam shot?” the midwife asks.

Again, what? You’re the doctor/person in charge of that. “We were told at our last visit that I would receive it or set it up at this visit.” Julie replies.

“Hmmm. We’re a bit past the cut off, but it should be alright.” The midwife spits back.

So let’s just clarify something here, our original doctor group’s doctor told us we were okay to do it at THIS visit, and you are now claiming we’ve “missed the boat” and should have had it earlier? Is this some sort of professional catfighting between original practitioners of one office who have been invaded by other practitioners and there is a bit of animosity between the two groups?

The little pauses and eyes darting back and forth and eyes rolling and audible sighs after we tell you what we’ve been told by our original doctor’s group and the constant INTERRUPTING is beginning to wear on my patience. I don’t give a flying fuck what your professional beef is, your job is to be a doctor, not a politician, knock this shit the fuck off.

The midwife added quickly, “But you have to have a antibody screen within four days of getting the rhogam shot, when was your last antibody screen?”
Don’t you have the computer in front of you? Isn’t what I think I’ve had a bit erroneous? I am a layman, I could tell you they tested my wife’s testicles for fucking asbestos! You have doctor-documented information at your fingertips and you’re asking my wife questions that we trust you to know the answer to in the first place!

The entire exchange between us and the midwife was confusing, as our original questions were kind of put to the side as she created more concerns rather than quell any.

A simple question that we both had was: who do we call when we’re on the way to the hospital in possible labor?

This completely stumped our fair midwife. She actually left the room to ask someone 30 grand below her pay grade to find out the “cheat code” to get out of the phone tree. Which is ANOTHER pain in the ass coming from a practice where HUMANS answered the phone! Now we get the pleasure of selecting one of NINE options when calling. Golly! The answer she came back was “Select the one that says make an appointment and that should get you to where you need to be, if not, labor & delivery at the hospital will call the doctor on call.”

Unreal. If your job was to make a family feel better about the impending birth of their children, you fucking failed lady.

So we left not knowing if we were going to be forced into a C-Section, not knowing exactly how to get a hold of the doctor on call if we’re on the way to the hospital on delivery day, not knowing if the rhogam shot is going to be given too late, and we left now knowing we don’t want to see these people any more.

To any doctors or midwives reading, read the file before you meet your pregnant patients. It’s respectful and necessary if you don’t want to backtrack and confuse the people you’re supposed to be inspiring confidence in.

Piss me off, that’s one thing.

Make my wife cry and I will fucking cut you.

Love,

Dad

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We had our 27 week OB appointment yesterday and while Julie’s growth is steady and looking good, her activity level is about to be drastically altered. I keep telling her that she’s having twins. She keeps ignoring me.

During our visit with Focus On Women (*which won’t be Focus On Women next time we see them in two weeks), the doctor went over the usual questions like:
*Do you know the sexes of your twins? Yes doctor, you ask us that every time.
*Any swelling of the hands or feet? No. Just this huge ass belly yo.
*Any hard time breathing? Of course. Especially when my husband’s pullin’ 2 footer’s with the local hooligans.
*Any grouping of contractions of 4 or more per hour? Well, yeah.
*Any pain? Yes, everywhere. Not to much here, or here, but right here *she makes circular motions around the bell*
*Are you going to the mall later? No, keep spelling mister.

The trend I’ve noticed as the semen donor, housekeeper and wife flipper (when she gets sweaty I flip her over and powder the moist side) is that when she has a stressful day at work, she is a contraction machine until the following morning. A rough day at work doesn’t mean she’ll have a relaxing time at home because it takes her nearly 12 hours to get back to Juliostasis (Julie’s homeostasis). So in actuality, a bad day makes for a bad week because right after she’s calm again she has to go right back into the stress festival at work.

So I let the doctor know my concerns about these contractions potentially leading into a pre-term labor situation and the fact that her blood pressure shouldn’t be poked and prodded by an up and down work environment. I wanted her off her feet and I said so.

The doctor was already planning on bed rest for Julie at week 28, we just didn’t hear him actually SAY it so I wanted to at least say my piece.

My’s pieces weres saids.

Julie will not be returning to work after the Thanksgiving holiday to SIT AND INCUBATE.

Regardless of her boredom and the potential stress from not being able to wipe her own ass, home is the where she’ll sit and I’m extremely relieved the doctor was already heading in that direction.

If he wasn’t on board, I might have had to throw a tantrum like my soon-to-be two year old is now perfecting the art of.

Thank the vas deferens my Julie will have time to RELAX before we never, ever, ever get the chance to again.

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Joel asked me the following question this past Monday:

“Our son is getting over the flu (type A) and is on the mend quite nicely. So now that we’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel: What are the chances of him getting the flu again this winter?
Our twins arrive in January/February 2010 and I’m beginning to think, while annoying, this is a complete blessing in disguise for our family because now we’ve all been exposed to it.”

Here is my honest and professional opinion:

The flu “season” is pretty much OVER once the weather turns uber-cold. Viruses go dormant or die in the cold. Also, Julie will impart a powerful immunity at birth. New babies are usually the best protected. Make sure they get to eat some dirt and actually experience illness from other kids. Don’t slather them with antiseptics, but wash off excess dirt (primarily because it looks nasty). Don’t sterilize pacifiers – just remove any cat hairs or “goop” they might pick up when they’re dropped.

The flu “season” is pretty much OVER once the weather turns uber-cold. Viruses go dormant or die in the cold. Also, Julie will impart a powerful immunity at birth. New babies are usually the best protected. Make sure they get to eat some dirt and actually experience illness from other kids. Don’t slather them with antiseptics, but wash off excess dirt (primarily because it looks nasty). Don’t sterilize pacifiers – just remove any cat hairs or “goop” they might pick up when they’re dropped.

In the “old” days – back before doctors believed they knew everything about health – we were regularly exposed to all sorts of germs (that’s a generic term that includes, bacteria, fungi, viruses, and any other parasite who might want to make us ill). Through the process of natural selection (survival of the most fit), each of us developed antibodies that protect us when a foreign invader tries to visit. Most of us have become obsessed with sanitary products and do way too much to keep things clean.

If you look at the statistics for this current flu debacle you’ll notice that the people born before 1950 were are no particular risk – AT ALL. Since that time efforts have been steadily increasing to remove GERMS from the environment. The consequences? Younger people are more likely to get sick. The older folks have natural immunities and immune systems that act promptly to fend off potential invaders.

Pat and I saw through the idiocy long ago and we didn’t do much in the way of overt sanitizing. Our kids weren’t filthy, but we sure didn’t waste our time sterilizing everything and anything. The invention and use of hand sanitizers and antimicrobial soaps has done a lot to weaken all of our immune systems. The GERMS respond to weakness – when an immune system is less than efficient, the bugs are effective at wearing down an immune system. They don’t have to work as hard to take us down because we’re already compromised. Again, survival of the most fit – the GERMS survive and thrive UNLESS we things to stop them. The most effective measure is NOT sanitizing, but in allowing the body to develop its immune system.

Surviving any illness is a blessing. First, the “patient” feels better once the bugs have been defeated. Second, the next time the buggies make a visit the human host is stronger. Strong immune systems can remove a toxic bug from the environment. Eat well (organic). Sleep enough. Exercise. Take probiotics. Drink clean water. Avoid commercial red meat. Take Cod Liver Oil. Use vitamins and mineral supplements. Avoid all drugs (including vaccines). Interact with other people – even if they seem ill. Its good for you.

Larry J. Frieders, RPh
larry@thecompounder.com

The Compounder/Techni Med, Inc.
340 Marshall Ave #100
Aurora, IL 60506 – ph.630.859.0333

http://www.thecompounder.com