Posts Tagged ‘Home’

Take a joke.

I walked past her getting into her pj’s last night and rather than yelling “MOLE!” like I often do regarding her regular mole I’ve named Moley, I pointed at her mommaries and screamed “VEINS!”

Bad move.

My shoulder is throbbing and she put razor blades in my taco salad. I knew those weren’t lettuce shreds woman!

Her reaction wasn’t completely evil, as she looked down and noticed her terts, belly and womanly shoulders (in no way similar to a linebackers or iron workers) and said aloud: “Is this normal?”

Actually, it is.

Take a gander at BabyCenter’s article on varicose veins, and pay attention to the following paragraph:

They’re much more common in women than men, and if you have them, they tend to get worse with each successive pregnancy and as you get older. Being overweight, carrying twins or higher multiples, and standing for long periods can also make you more susceptible.

So Jules, you’re a freak, but you’re my freak honey bunny. It’s actually quite conveinient to be able to see how you’re digesting, my little see-through lovebug!

I’m hoping she hasn’t changed the locks by the time I get home after writing this.

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We’ve been blessed to have twins on the way, a wife now at home until she delivers and a healthy son under a roof with food and jobs and reliable transportation.

For that, plus our families, friends and doctors, we are thankful.

There are thousands of things out there that we are thankful for, and one of them is the joy of turning off the computer.

The computer will be off until Monday morning when I return to the pharmacy.

Enjoy your family this long weekend, we will.

Hey sports fans & all you creeps interested in my wife’s cervical length!
Yes, I called you creeps! Are you offended? Offended enough to send me 5 dollars cash to apologize? I DIDN’T THINK SO!

Back to our Cervix Length Update ladies & gentlemen!

Yesterday, November 3rd, 2009, Julie was measured at a whopping 5.0cm!

What does that mean? Well, it means that all of the communication that I have had with her nether regions are actually paying off! The time and energy I have devoted to speaking directly into the birth canal have made the impossible happen!

YES! The cervix seems to be GROWING! Yes, the doctors all say that is indeed impossible, but fuck them! They have no idea of the power of positive thinking and one on one discussions with a vagina!

These “Conversations With A Crotch” will soon be a part of a nationwide movement for all husbands of ‘preggo with multiples’ broads to get down at eye level with the baby-spewing-hole of their loved one and repeat the following poem in a Danish accent:

There once was a cervix named Flo, it’s loved ones urged her to grow.

When she was given the powers that be, she took over rank of the va-jay-jay and was soon in charge of the power to pee!

Shine on you crazy cervix, for you hold the everlasting power of birth, remain in your strength and length to keep my kids up in there, not yet on this earth.

Until the doctor says those magic words, dear cervix named Flo, I will give you the attention you deserve.

Yes, I know. I have serious problems, but what would you do when the only thing holding your kids in their mom-cubator is a tiny few centimeters?

Me?

I take my role as a supportive father very seriously and will do anything to ensure a safe arrival to their destination.

And yes, that includes reciting ridiculous poems to my wife’s crotch hole.

fin.

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Thankfully, my current twitterfeed consists of porn stars and the mothers and fathers of twins and multiples. So when I’m not in the mood for stories about chapped nipples, projectile vomiting, poop up the backs of pajamas, or all night crying fits; I can always go look at some surgically altered breasticles and backsides.

Am I gross? Should I be punished? Are you thinking “what a perv!”?

I don’t really care what your opinion of me, but I can honestly say from a father’s standpoint, that the best way to give a man a refresher is to shove some fake tanned boobs in his face. I want to stay on top of my game so my twitterfeed is 90% twins, parenting and twin parenting related and 10% boobs. If I ever freak out I will up my boob intake by a minimum of 10%. It’ll be the tits!

SO, back to what I’m HELL YEAH-ing about regarding the internet today. I was going through twitter this afternoon and came across this article about Twin Support Groups and why it is a good idea to join one. At first I was like “Ah man, a group of whiny parents talking about chapped nipples, projectile vomiting, poop up the backs of pajamas, or all night crying fits – where’s the boobs?” But then I read this article and I am now convinced that the more reinforcements I have alongside me, the better my kids existence will be.

It’s a win win situation! I go listen to some talk about chapped nipples, projectile vomiting, poop up the backs of pajamas, and all night crying fits, then maybe I slip out the back, light a cigar, sip some Johnny Walker Red and talk boobs with the other twinpadres ay?

SEE! It all comes back to boobs! We come out attached at the nip, we die trying desperately to attach ourselves to more nips!

Regardless of my fascination with boobs today, I found a great article on a great blog (http://www.twinparenthood.com) that I will now follow like I follow boobs.

Read this article here: Top 10 Reasons to Join a Twins / Multiples Support Group

May your nipples remain unchapped, your kids vomit only trickle, their poop stay in it’s diaper and may they sleep through the night.

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Since late June 2009 when we found out we were being blessed with having twins, we have discovered two distinct types of people, in regards to their discovery that we are having twins. So as to not dwell or end on a negative point, I will discuss the shitfaces first.

Shitfaces:

Shitfaces are broken down into three types of people:

1. People who already have twins and are offended that you will be sharing in their experience and stealing their thunder. Nothing you can say to stand up for yourself is of any merit because you haven’t experienced what they have, yet. You are dumb, you are walking into hell, and whatever happens with your twins is easy compared to what they deal with on a daily basis with theirs.
2. People who are normally “OH YEAH?” people. Even if you just won the lottery, which we kind of just did, they won more. Even people without children have made comments to somehow insinuate that their life is more difficult, yet we haven’t insinuated that our life will be difficult, it will just be different.
3. People who immediately react with negativity from a first person standpoint, as if the misplaced empathy they feel immediately makes them feel better by saying something negative. I have actually had a good friend of mine laugh out loud as soon as I told him and instead of saying “Congrats man!” he blurted out “THAT SUCKS!!” Does it? How?

Now I’m not a vengeful person, nor do I wish ill will on these people, rather I feel sorry for folks like this. There are so many things to stand up for in life and to make one of them a negative one is beyond me. If these peeps actually feel better for having spouted something like I have mentioned above, they probably have never realized how much better they could feel if they offered advice when we’re in the weeds, or freaking out or unsure of something about the day to day logistics of parenting twins, or even just an ear on the phone if they don’t have twins, or even kids at all.

These people could set themselves up as resources, friends or the people you remember for saying really really cool shit when they hear the news.

The Citizens of Awesomeville:

The residents of Awesomeville have four types:

1. Parents of twins who instantly welcome you into the gang with a secret handshake, a knowing nod and the offering of an ear to talk into, should you need it. These folks dealt with the Shitfaces, and they know the value of positive thinking, speaking and acting. They know that the times when you are unsure about things are the times when you feel most vulnerable to negative thought and that even the smallest suggestion of a struggle on down the road can freak you out for a few days.
2. Parents of any child or children that give you the look of “If anyone can do it, you guys can do it.” One of my best friends on the planet is one of those guys who mutters things you see on the walls of corporate offices or grade schools at random times and even he was stumped, and ended up saying quite loudly as he embraced me in a giant bearhug: “You are going to kick a shit ton of ass my friend!” I need that when I’m not in front of my wife, I really do, and it is completely appreciated.
3. The people who love babies and everything about babies and make themselves honorary family members. I remember when we were just about to have our son and these people used to creep me out. I was always saying to myself “STOP TOUCHIN MY LADY’S BELLY YO!” Yet you don’t realize that as soon as your baby is born, they will shower that kid and you with love as if they are actually in your family. I have a friend through other friends that I don’t really talk to, but I picture her first when talking about these type people as she always gets up when we see her and asks to hold or hang out with my son. She doesn’t get creepy and whip out her tit trying to breast feed him, or take him into another room out of our line of sight, she’s just perfectly happy giving my family some attention because it makes her happy.
4. The people who remember. These are the people, regardless if you’re having twins, or a singleton, or getting a new job, or moving into a new house, these people, as unoften as you might see them, they remember. They ask. They understand that they aren’t in your life every day, but they want to make sure that the time they spend with you, no matter how short, is worthwhile and meaningful. Just this past weekend we went to two friends’ 30th birthday party and it was unreal. Here we are, driving an hour into the city, sweating from the walk of carrying the little dude, and watching wife waddle with the backpain and constant early contractions, and we’re being embraced genuinely. I’d guess about 80% of our friends there knew about the twins, but even those that just thought Jules was just pregnant were excited to see us and made sure to convey that excitement appropriately. None of that “WHERE YOU BEEN DUDE?” or “DUDE, YOU NEVER GO OUT ANYMORE!” or my favorite “YOUR WIFE LET YOU LEAVE THE CRIB EVER MAN?” – Mature adults realize that time passes quickly when you haven’t seen someone, but true friends don’t care how long it’s been, right now means more than all those times you weren’t out on the town knocking back jaegerbombs and playing beer pong on skyscraper roofs.

In conclusion, some people frickin rule. Some people need a good smack upside the head with their own negativity and a good one on one with their own disappointment at how their lives turned out because of their shitty attitude.

NOTE: Curse words fucking rule.

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