Posts Tagged ‘Thanksgiving’

Remember. Anything.

I remember when Jules was preggo with our son, I would ask her to remind me to do something random like locking the front door or taking out the trash and she would completely forget. I called these brain farts her “pregnancy stupids” and they seemed to evaporate as soon as the lil guy escaped from her magic vag of magicness.

I completely forgot about the “pregnancy stupids” until Julie was about 15 weeks pregnant. She wasn’t really showing much besides the mountainous mountains atop her chest, but she was forgetting everything. Mortgage, car payments, bills, to flush, to wipe, to eat, to slow down at stop signs… She was out of control.

I remember the fourth time I caught her not flushing and I almost went and grabbed her by the neck, stuck her face in it and with a stern look and a pointed finger said “NO! BAD PREGGO!” – But I didn’t, I just took a picture of it, printed it out and affixed it inside every cabinet door we have, and sent a few to her sister to place around her house before Thanksgiving.

As for wiping, you have no idea how painful it is to put the shuttle in reverse (yeah, it’s a minivan, so what? I call it the shuttle to make myself feel cooler ok?) and she says “Wait hold on.” So I pull back into the driveway and she hops (now it’s more like oozes) out of the shuttle and traipses into the house gaily. When she returns I ask what she forgot. “To wipe.” She says. *SILENCE*

I try my hardest to hold back the giggles, she realizes this as a “PHHT” escapes the corner of my mouth and THWAP! Suddenly my arm is numb and she’s giving me the look like the long haired young broad in the dirty white robe in The Ring.

So my wife forgets alot of shit now that she’s preggo as a preggo can be. Think she’ll forget I posted about her forgetting to wipe?

Nope.

Regardless of my sleeping on the couch these next few weeks, her forgetfulness is starting to increase so much, I’m worried about what she does in the shower. Does she enter in there and then think to herself “What did I come in here for?”

Does she lay down in bed only to pop up (slowly of course) and think “What was I going to do in here?”

Does she start cooking dinner, realize TMZ is on and then forget she has perogies on the skillet?

I’m completely concerned for my own well being people! Will she even forget I’m laying next to her in bed and accidentally STEAMROLL me?

Julie, I love you for everything you are and everything you’ve ever forgotten while preggers. I hope you remember who makes  you laugh, cause you sure as shit make me laugh honey bunches of “what did I come in here for?”

We’ve been blessed to have twins on the way, a wife now at home until she delivers and a healthy son under a roof with food and jobs and reliable transportation.

For that, plus our families, friends and doctors, we are thankful.

There are thousands of things out there that we are thankful for, and one of them is the joy of turning off the computer.

The computer will be off until Monday morning when I return to the pharmacy.

Enjoy your family this long weekend, we will.

We had our 27 week OB appointment yesterday and while Julie’s growth is steady and looking good, her activity level is about to be drastically altered. I keep telling her that she’s having twins. She keeps ignoring me.

During our visit with Focus On Women (*which won’t be Focus On Women next time we see them in two weeks), the doctor went over the usual questions like:
*Do you know the sexes of your twins? Yes doctor, you ask us that every time.
*Any swelling of the hands or feet? No. Just this huge ass belly yo.
*Any hard time breathing? Of course. Especially when my husband’s pullin’ 2 footer’s with the local hooligans.
*Any grouping of contractions of 4 or more per hour? Well, yeah.
*Any pain? Yes, everywhere. Not to much here, or here, but right here *she makes circular motions around the bell*
*Are you going to the mall later? No, keep spelling mister.

The trend I’ve noticed as the semen donor, housekeeper and wife flipper (when she gets sweaty I flip her over and powder the moist side) is that when she has a stressful day at work, she is a contraction machine until the following morning. A rough day at work doesn’t mean she’ll have a relaxing time at home because it takes her nearly 12 hours to get back to Juliostasis (Julie’s homeostasis). So in actuality, a bad day makes for a bad week because right after she’s calm again she has to go right back into the stress festival at work.

So I let the doctor know my concerns about these contractions potentially leading into a pre-term labor situation and the fact that her blood pressure shouldn’t be poked and prodded by an up and down work environment. I wanted her off her feet and I said so.

The doctor was already planning on bed rest for Julie at week 28, we just didn’t hear him actually SAY it so I wanted to at least say my piece.

My’s pieces weres saids.

Julie will not be returning to work after the Thanksgiving holiday to SIT AND INCUBATE.

Regardless of her boredom and the potential stress from not being able to wipe her own ass, home is the where she’ll sit and I’m extremely relieved the doctor was already heading in that direction.

If he wasn’t on board, I might have had to throw a tantrum like my soon-to-be two year old is now perfecting the art of.

Thank the vas deferens my Julie will have time to RELAX before we never, ever, ever get the chance to again.

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