Posts Tagged ‘twins’

Hey sports fans & all you creeps interested in my wife’s cervical length!
Yes, I called you creeps! Are you offended? Offended enough to send me 5 dollars cash to apologize? I DIDN’T THINK SO!

Back to our Cervix Length Update ladies & gentlemen!

Yesterday, November 3rd, 2009, Julie was measured at a whopping 5.0cm!

What does that mean? Well, it means that all of the communication that I have had with her nether regions are actually paying off! The time and energy I have devoted to speaking directly into the birth canal have made the impossible happen!

YES! The cervix seems to be GROWING! Yes, the doctors all say that is indeed impossible, but fuck them! They have no idea of the power of positive thinking and one on one discussions with a vagina!

These “Conversations With A Crotch” will soon be a part of a nationwide movement for all husbands of ‘preggo with multiples’ broads to get down at eye level with the baby-spewing-hole of their loved one and repeat the following poem in a Danish accent:

There once was a cervix named Flo, it’s loved ones urged her to grow.

When she was given the powers that be, she took over rank of the va-jay-jay and was soon in charge of the power to pee!

Shine on you crazy cervix, for you hold the everlasting power of birth, remain in your strength and length to keep my kids up in there, not yet on this earth.

Until the doctor says those magic words, dear cervix named Flo, I will give you the attention you deserve.

Yes, I know. I have serious problems, but what would you do when the only thing holding your kids in their mom-cubator is a tiny few centimeters?

Me?

I take my role as a supportive father very seriously and will do anything to ensure a safe arrival to their destination.

And yes, that includes reciting ridiculous poems to my wife’s crotch hole.

fin.

Related articles by Zemanta

• How Safe Is Bleeding In Pregnancy When Theres A Heart Beat And Cervix Is Closed? (parenting-success.com)
• The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books (huffingtonpost.com)
• A labor tale (atyourcervix.blogspot.com)

Yesterday, we drove up north again to visit with high risk OB at Delnor to check the cervical length again. With Julie’s bout of food poisoning, constant contractions and work related stress on top of just “having twins” they are quite adamant about getting consistent measurements to get some trending data to rely on. Last week it went from a 5.2 cm to around a 4.3cm, and yesterday Jules was at a 4.7cm.

We learned that the cervix isn’t actually growing, but possibly relaxing, as its size is dynamic and constantly changing. But from the comments of the nurse and doctors at high risk, Julie has herself a beautiful looking cervix.

Thank frank!

So with just under four months to go in Julie’s twin pregnancy, we are trying to keep her relaxed around the house and lessening her stress level with her constant work worries. A few of the people we’ve met on Twitter have told us that they were put on bed rest at week 20 and had their twins at week 30, and knowing that their babies survived and are thriving is inspiring. But that doesn’t mean we’re loosening on our expectations for Julie’s cervix, NO SIR.

I’ve made up a schedule for her cervix to follow every day to make sure it keeps intact and performing up to par for the remainder of the pregnancy. This includes a lot of positive ego boosting and one on one conversations with the cervix.

People might find it odd, but I’ve spent the last few days speaking directly to the cervix in an encouraging voice:

“Who’s my favorite cervix? YOU ARE!”

“We’re counting on you Vix. You are our Obi Wan in this particular juncture.”

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”

“Don’t play like the Chicago Bears, be a winner!”

“You inspire me to be a better cervix, even though I’m a human male with no chance of ever being or owning my own cervix.”

Hey, I didn’t say I wasn’t completely drunk on lack of sleep and continuous worry, this is therapeutic! For me AND the cervix. It’s just a bit uncomfortable for our guests to see me speaking at my wife’s crotch all the time.

Related articles by Zemanta

• How Safe Is Bleeding In Pregnancy When Theres A Heart Beat And Cervix Is Closed? (parenting-success.com)
• Amount Due For Rent: New Baby (modestneeds.org)

• Definite sexes of each
• Weight
• Growth process
• Asses the risk levels for spina bifida & downs and any structural issues
• Location in the womb
• Overall health of the babies

Well, we got great answers on all fronts.

We are confirmed as having one boy and one girl. Right now Baby A is our daughter, Leah Anne, and she is 13oz. and currently beating the crap out of Baby B, our son Mason Robert, 11oz., who is currently getting his ass kicked by his older and slightly bigger sister.

Wanna’ meet em?

It looks like Leah is positioned behind Mason with his rear end right in the line of fire, and while watching the good hour long ultrasound we were treated to numerous bludgeons with feet and fists. If there was a way to monitor these kids live at, say a local watering hole, I am sure the humor would cause giggles and finger points all around the bar. I would then invent a drinking game that would require shots of expensive tequila for every head shot, cheap gin for every body shot, and perhaps a bottle of Cristal if a middle finger is raised. It would be legendary, expensive and unnecessary. Much like most of the large parties I have thrown for birthdays or bachelor party festivities (curious? there was lunch meat sliced for the explicit use of throwing it on the entertainment).

I remember slight movements when our son was in the womb, but never a full on ass kicking. This was insane.

My daughter seems to have her brother right where she wants him, and I’m pretty sure I will be unable to resist her charms by the time she pops out to meet us. I have no problem being a complete push over, and yes, she will have a pony.

So everything looks great. The placenta position has improved, the cervix length is better than great, there are no visible complications with growth or structural issues, nada. We are thankful, lucky and not taking anything for granted at this point.

My next goal is figuring out how to make my wife’s job less stressful, and I’m pretty sure the only way to do that is to go bitch slap some butch bitches or convince her it’s time to start bed rest early.

Not really.

When we initially found out we were having twins, I said to my wife: “As long as it isn’t two girls, we’ll be ok.”

I didn’t mean that in a derogatory way, or that women are difficult (OF COURSE THEY AREN’T), or that I don’t like little princesses. I meant it in a way that only I can explain using my hands.

So imagine me using my hands to describe to you my feelings on two girls vs. two boys or one of each.

If I already have one boy, and then have two girls, how can I properly devote all of my sappy princess-talk to two girls? I need one little lady to be my princess, my little fairy queen, my “Daddy will buy you a pony, of course” little woman. I am completely okay with being a pushover, but I think I would be less successful as that pushover if I had to spread it out between two little princesses.

Two boys? MORE DIRT! I love my little dude right now because he gets back up every time and keeps moving. I love the little boy mentality of “Try it three times: Once to try it, twice to see if that really just happened, and then third to solidify that _____ will happen and the second time wasn’t just a fluke.”

Two more boys would make my house a house of scents. Not a house of sense or cents, but scents.

We would revel in our filth and bark and passing cars.

We would burp good night to each other.

We would pee outside in a row and tag our Luxembourg surname onto the neighbors fence.

We would break things and pound our chests in glory.

We would torment our fair mother with bowel movements so vile, high fives and chest bumps would reward them.

We would sing the songs of vikings as we hoist our meats above our heads prior to ingestion.

We would pile our socks in the driveway and set them ablaze, as wearing new socks is the reward of the ancients.

We would dance by the moonlight in our boxer shorts singing “Bear down Chicago Bears.”

We would get tattoos of each of us getting tattoos only because the story would be hilarious to tell at parties.

We would growl at passersby for sport.

We would be men. Men doing manly man-sport. ARRRGH!

Buuuuut, what about one of each?

THAT IS THE PERFECT SCENARIO in my opinion. One more boy to join in our above-mentioned festivities, one girl to keep mommy happy.

So what is the deal with the babies up inside the vajayjay of my fair Julie?

ONE

OF

EACH

We saw the penis yesterday.

LET THE CELEBRATING BEGIN!

Wooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooo!

photo credit: acme

PARTY HATS!

I found this fact sheet on the Twins Foundation website and I thought I would share it here.
Please visit Twins Foundation and poke around there too!

photo credit: surlygirl

17 Facts About Twins:

Freaked out yet?

Yea?

I am a sponge for any and all information, and while alot of the negative and potentially frightening facts aren’t exactly what I want to hear, I need to understand the possibilities so I can do whatever I can to avoid any of them happening to me, my wife or my children. Granted alot of the things that could happen are out of my control, I’ve been known to carry superhuman powers with me in my camo diaper bag.

Screw you statistics!