Posts Tagged ‘van’

i remember the first few weeks of daycare for our 2 year old when he first started, it seemed crazy the amount of preparation and shit to remember just to not piss off the daycare ladies and have everything your lil’ dude needs. we would spend two, sometimes three hours just getting everything together for the week on sunday night and then every night there seemed to be a good two hours of sporadic preparation that included laundry, dishes and list making that we would abide by.
all that shit just for one fucking baby.
so then yeah, we, uh, we got two infants in addition add to the 2 year old to add to our daycare routine now, shit, piss, fuck, tits, schmegma. granted, once the kid is eating solid food and walking everything gets easier as far as what you have to pack the night before/morning of, but that’s a year away bitch, what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

this past monday was the start of the third week with all three kids in daycare, and the second week of jules going back to work after “natural & gravitational vagina reconstruction time” or what you pussy ass bitches call maternity leave. we might not have the mechanics of actually getting out of the van and into the actual daycare perfected just yet, as the 2 year old likes to take off occasionally, but we’ve kind of worked out who does what when to make the mornings easier than that first few.

so rather than blabber and show you my titties like you broads often do, im going to break this shit down for you in the hopes that maybe my “schedule” or as i call it “what i do to try and see and my wife’s tittaaaaaays more than once a day”, will help someone think this shit through when two bebes are on the way.

going out in public is possible, but you have to work like you’re gonna get serious action that night or you will seriously want to kill your spouse. luckily for her i kill zombies and bad guys on my playstation, so im straight.

**keep in mind that we have to pre-make mason’s formula because he’s on that thickener/higher calorie formula mixture**

sunday night @ 8pm:

unload dishwasher with 10 bottles (#5 tinted brown, #5 clear), collars & nips.

prep #5 bottles for leah, all with the appropriate amount of water to mix formula in
make #1 for feeding at 8:30

make fresh 30oz container of formula for mason (only good for 24 hours so we make 24 hours worth)
pour #5 bottles for mason and refrigerate #4 and warm up #1 for feeding at 8:30

feed them hungry bitches & go to fucking bed bitch! (we probably have marathon tantric sex 8 nights a week tho)

wake up @ 4:15am, warm mason’s and make leah’s bottles, then feed at 4:30am
@5am jules’s crazy ass goes to work out
@5:45am me gets out of bed and does a spray tan (YOU THINK THIS SHIT IS NATURAL?!) – spray tan is my code word for my first shit of the day ok?
@6am dylan the 2yo ninja is up and ready for the party, i load the #4 dirty bottles in the dishwasher & snag some milko for the ninja
by 6:10am i’ve started changing and dressing the party twins for the party, jules is usually getting ready while helping dylan get ready for the party
by 6:35am both twinnies are in their carseats ready to leave, i run and put the day’s bottles, clothes and diapers in the van, dylan is waiting to watch a movie which he will not get to watch until after school. this past week it’s been “the jungle book”.
by 6:45am we have all three kids in the van and jules and i usually dip into the laundry room to have a quick asspouding sesh (im lying, she makes a shitty low calorie breakfast and i do the laundry for that night’s pajamas for all three)
by 7am im onto my second and favorite shit of the day
by 7:15am im into the shower and on to work where i save people from herpes with my cape and flower petal tattoo.
work work work save people from herpes using my herpes harpoon, i call it my herp-poon
i get home at 5:30pm, julie pulls in at 5:45pm with all three kids and we pull the unload after a quickie in the laundry room again (im lying, i just make sure she brings her coffee mug in cause i hate it when she tries to sneak off with mine, the cheeky bugga!)
i immediately load the dishwasher with the #6 bottles from daycare and start that bitch up, cause we aint made of nipples, collars and shitty leaky bottles from avent are we!

then for the next three hours its a mixture of taking turns hugging dylan, cooking dinner and doing laundry. then immediately after dinner one of us takes dylan up for a bath and gets him ready for bed while the other unloads the dishwasher and sets the bottles, collars and nipples out to dry. this is followed up every other day with a bath for the twinnies.
we are looking forward to summer so we can just hose the fuckers off.

after bathtime is over we focus all of our attention on dylan for a few minutes and enjoy how he is growing up and is the fucking man. then its dylan to bed and more laundry, dishes or other random household chore until 8:30 rolls around and we start the whole fucking process over a fucking gain.

can you tell that i wrote that in two different sits?

yeah. time has a way of not allowing us time to do the things we used to do, but motherfuckers, let me tell you THIS:
once these bitch ass kids is growns ups, i aint doin SHIT ever a fucking gain.
im talkin sponge baths and meals blended and fed to me in a straw and shit.

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS BALLS

but ill be fucked if my kids arent the bees fucking knee pads

AND COFFEE IS FUCKING DELICIOUS

photo credit: dno1967

So I started doing some baseline financial analysis on our current situation, in addition to pricing out some year to two year old minivan models, and just when I thought I was willing to take a HUGE hit to the wallet, my reasoning skills took over.

We both have JUST purchased two vehicles in the past two years. She drives a 2006 Saturn VUE, I drive a 2005 Nissan Frontier Extended Cab small pickup truck.

Our Kelley Blue Book values are decent, but won’t be even for another few years. With the upside down loans on both of these vehicles, we are about $13,000.00 USD combined in the negative if we wanted to trade them in to purchase or lease a minivan. Sure my truck would be the first to go, since I have a smaller margin between owed and value, but WHO TRADES IN A PERFECTLY PIMP TRUCK?!?!

Yes, I am a bit touchy about even considering getting rid of my truck, but I’d take one for the team, no doubt, but you gotta PUSH PUSH PUSH and remember your breathing to get that to happen.

So, minivan? OUT OF THE QUESTION.

We can’t afford to put the vehicle and conveinience ahead of food, shelter and daycare for the lil’ guys.

I’m a big fan of details, so here is how we are moving forward:

Newborn newborns don’t leave the house the often for the first few months, so we will continue to take our toddler son to day care regularly, one parent at a time. The twins will stay at home the majority of the time, or travel with one parent with two infant car seats (rear facing! I KNOW!) and the toddler can ride with the other parent in the forward facing toddler car seat.

If we HAVE to all go somewhere in one vehicle we can either put the twins on either side of the tod seat and pray the toddler doesn’t pick out the eye balls of the twins, OR, if we have to, we can turn off the front air bag and let one infant ride shotgun (REAR FACING! I KNOW!) and put the other adult in between the infant and the toddler in the back seat.

photo credit: kona99

I have a constant need to talk out the details of a situation. If I can’t step by step something in my head or on paper, I have a jittery feeling in my belly that increases in intensity until I get my crap together and figure it all out.

photo credit: Thomas_Jung

Do I really need a minivan?
Am I REALLY going to have to buy a mini-van?
Seriously?
Me?
Minivan?

Ok. I get it, our current family vehicle isn’t large enough to carry two babies and a toddler and the luggage that goes along with it.

What are my alternatives?

• All weather luggage rack?
• One kid in the front seat and one adult sits in between the two other kids in the backseat?
• A Box Truck Rental UHaul with wall-straps?
• Two cars everywhere we go?
• Someone always stays home with at least one kid?

Screw those ideas.

I accept the fact that I’m past the cool looking car. We are now at the crossroads of practicality and mobile storage/functionality.

I need room for 5 kids and two adults (or any combination of the 7), if I want to take any of my neices or nephews or other adults to watch my kids anywhere with us.
I need room to stand up and go change a diaper while on the freeway.
I need room to sleep if we end up “camping” somewhere with three kids.
I need room for the frickin DUAL STROLLER WITH OPTIONAL SIDECAR & 1700 diapers I will now stash with me everywhere I go.
I need 7 flip down DVD players, massage chairs, wifi, bluetooth, retina scan ignition and a retro cassette deck!

Bah. I don’t know what I need, but I need it bigger than I have right now damnit.

TO BE CONTINUED…

photo credit: Aine D

I DO know that my first bumper sticker will say “GOT TWINS?”